You see me
by Mirumo
Summary: The first BBT fanfic I wrote. Penny is having some surprising thoughts during a random conversation. Set in The Vengeance Formulation  3x09 .


**Author : **Mirumo

**Title : **You see me

**Rating : **PG

**Genre : **Romance & Friêndship

**Length : **768

**Disclaimer: **I don't own The Big Bang Theory, nor its characters, they belong to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, as well to the wonderful actors. However, I would very like to call eternal dibs on Sheldon. Seriously, guys, he's pretty much the dream man for me.

**Notes : **First TBBT I've written, I think. It's not much, just a little something I thought about while watching "The Vengeance Formulation" (3x09). It's really not great, I think I've improved a minimum since then. I guess I needed a little while to adapt to the spirit of the show (I was writing for Torchwood before that, it's really not the same thing).

_"Hey, I did not __**settle**__ for Leonard! I mean, obviously, he isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with. You know, physically."_

_..._

_"My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover ; I am interested in the person underneath."_

As she was saying these words, not even arrived at the end of her sentence, Penny knew she shouldn't have answered to Howard. This was really not the best way to boost Leonard's already screwed-up self-esteem. But just be realistic : she was stating a true fact. She perfectly knew that she should one day try this "think before you speak" technique, but as far as it went, she generally couldn't help expressing what she felt and saying the truth without previous thinking-trough. Curse? Blessing? At least, she was forced to be confronted to feelings or thoughts she didn't even know about.

Of course Leonard wasn't the kind of guy she usually went out with. That was the whole point of dating him : no stupid athletic jerks anymore. Instead, a nice and clever guy, who cared for her, and for whom she cared too. A bit geeky, a bit awkward, but pretty much always here when she needed help. So what did it matter that he wasn't exactly strong or tall? He was still cute. His glasses really bugged her, though ; he was better-looking without them. And she should try to make him rethink his hairdo some day. *But - still - cute!* she stated in thoughts, trying to yell mentally to convince herself that she meant it.

As she cast an affectionate look towards him, she wondered if she could ever find some kind of compromise between a brain-dead Mister Universe and a Leonard. *Dude, chill!* she immediately heard herself shouting in her own head. *You're going out with Leonard, why would try to find another man?*.

... But really, admitting that she'd want to, could she find one? She didn't do Kurts anymore, that was too much trouble, too much a reminder of her adolescence, too much Nebraska. Perhaps she was just into smart nerdy guys, now. *Rock on, Penny, maybe you've grown up and you're not as shallow as you were.* But still ... She didn't care about geeky clothes, but she'd really like it if Leonard was taller. She couldn't wear high heels when she was with him. Not that she mattered that much about height, but Leonard was even more insufferable with his inferiority complex crap. So maybe that was the compromise she was looking for : a man as clever and nice as Leonard, but just taller. With better hair. And no unfortunate glasses. Just these little things.

... And not as clingy as Leonard could be. He was nice, but just trying too much. If he could just be helpful in a more discrete way. Not always asking her if she wanted something. She liked to be independent, that gave much more sense to the moments where she really needed the guy. A meaningful hero-rescuing-the-damsel sense. And on an all-day basis, she wanted someone who wasn't co-dependent, who could put his foot down, could challenge her. Who would push her to constantly prove herself. Stupid daddy issues.

*You're starting to be unreasonable, that's really going too far. Just enjoy being with Leonard.*

Penny suddenly came back in the present. Leonard had just asked something to Sheldon, who was now addressing half-horrified half-confused glances to the others, looking everywhere in wonderment like a newborn baby. The young woman couldn't help but smile ; it was especially in those moments that she felt a wave of affection for Sheldon overwhelming her. Afterwards, Howard said something rude, Raj whispered to him something bordering on the semi-gay, and Sheldon engaged in a new condescending and boring speech. But Penny realised that it really didn't bother her. She even liked it. He was truly a whack-a-doodle, but gosh, did she love him!

Crap.

...

Sheldon?

...

Penny quickly rethought of everything that had gone through her mind in the last 30 seconds, and really felt a "WHAT THE FRACK?" tickling her lips. But she knew what she had to do. She locked it in a little part of her brain, and kept hidden there as much as possible. Really, she did the best she could. And she knew her relationship with Leonard wasn't going anywhere when, one day, out of the blue, she made the note to herself that it was impossible to do more than the best she could, assuming she'd subscribe to a linear understanding of causality.

**A/N : In the case it didn't come through, this last line is a reference to "The Financial Permeability". Gosh, having to explain my punch lines, that's kinda lame. Yeah, I'm really not especially proud of this OS, I hugely prefer the ones I wrote afterwards, but still, it's my first TBBT one, so it deserves to be published, I guess.**


End file.
